[opening theme music]
Would somebody please cue that bird?
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats Ooh yeah! ♪
♪ Who do you call When you want some pepperoni? ♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats Right on! ♪
♪ They're stepping out crime, And you know that ain't balony ♪
♪ There's Speedy Cerviche He's the leader of the bunch ♪
♪ That's right! A heck of a fighter ♪
♪ Makes a heck of a lunch ♪
♪ And little Polly Esther Who's never afraid ♪
♪ That's me Of going into battle ♪
♪ When the bad guys invade ♪
♪ Here's Guido Anchovis A wild romantic rover ♪
♪ This cat gets down down With a love hangover ♪
♪ Here come the Pizza Cats They're so bad ♪
♪ They've got more fur Than any turtle ever had! ♪
♪ They're stronger than old cheese ♪
♪ Stronger than old cheese ♪
♪ Stronger than dirt Stronger than dirt ♪
♪ Step on their tails Get off my tail ♪
♪ And you're gonna get hurt ♪
♪ Don't hurt me ♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats ♪
♪ They're fighting crime All over town ♪
♪ Four, three, two, one The Pizza Cats are on the run ♪
♪ The Big Cheese is The villain ♪
♪ Who's lower than low ♪
♪ It's a rotten shame He lives in Little Tokyo ♪
♪ We've got a nasty Bad Bird And some nasty Ninja Crowes ♪
♪ As soon as someone Finds the script ♪
♪ We might begin the show ♪
♪ Sit back and rest your feet And turn the sound up high ♪
♪ And if you want The full effects ♪
♪ Go eat a pizza pie ♪
♪ Hahaha Samurai Pizza Cats ♪
[Splash]
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats ♪
[Jerry] No, Boss, not again!
[explosion]
It's not fair. [coughing]
Just one more time. I've got to see it one more time.
It's party time! [whips slashing]
[laser firing]
[explosion]
[unintelligible]
[Jerry] Boss, stop watching that video, it just upsets you.
It's not doing me much good either.
[The Big Cheese] It's always the same.
Those Samurai Pizza Cats always win.
It's just not fair. [coughing]
When's it gonna be my turn?
When does The Big Cheese get his day in the sun?
[coughs] His moment of triumph?
Boss, you know how this show works.
The Pizza Cats always kick our booties and they always will.
You just have to accept that,
like, go with the flow, Cocomo Joe.
What are you talking about, "Go with the flow?"
What sort of wimpy attitude is that?
What's come over you, Jerry?
A wise man taught me we should accept ourselves
for what we are. That is the road to happiness.
Help me! The guy thinks he's Yoda.
[slurps and swallows]
[gagging]
This wise man should have taught you how to make tea
that didn't taste like gasoline. Urgh!
Can you honestly expect me to accept the fact
that I'll always be what I am now?
A rat-faced fink?
A miserable little loser?
An outcast without a friend in the world?
Oh, how depressing.
[sipping]
Enlightenment is often depressing,
and yet it's the way to inner peace.
Thanks a bunch. Where'd you pick up that bit of wisdom,
a fortune cookie?
Okay that does it, it's over. I know when to quit.
The Pizza Cats win. I surrender.
Wait!
Just because it's hopeless, that's no reason to give up.
I've got a brand new plan.
Well why didn't you say so?
[narrator] Later that day, our villains pay a visit
to the rock 'n roll district,
where Little Tokyo's teenagers can be found,
shopping and cruising
and generally making a nuisance of themselves.
Nice disguise. It's about 25 years out-of-date,
but other than that, you fit right in.
I'm quite a righteously groovy hipster, Jerry.
When my mojo is working I'm as get-down and funky as any dude.
[Jerry] Hmm. Speaking of getting down...
[beaming sound] [manhole closes]
The secret entrance to our new laboratory.
Very nice, but wat's to keep someone above
from opening it the way we did?
[laughing] You've got to be kidding.
Those crazy kids couldn't find their way into a paper bag.
[laughing]
Closer, Mom, I'm sure I saw him poke it in the nose.
[Mom] I've heard of a pig and a poke, but this is-- [gasps]
[screaming]
I don't know why I let you talk me into these things.
[narrator] Moments later, the secret elevator
has carried them deep into the earth, into the very bowels of--
Hey! Watch your language!
[cawing] Great costume, Boss.
Is the robot completed?
Your timing's perfect, we're just finishing up.
Okay, robot, front side.
-Watch Thief Fingers! -Yoo-hoo!
Yeah right, yoo-hoo yourself.
[Bad Bird] Ah, there's still a glitcher doing his programming.
Terrific. What were you planning on using this powder puff for?
[Jerry] It's the most sophisticated
mechanical sneak-thief ever invented.
Now we all know that the Pizza Cats' ultimate weapon
is the magical Ginzu sword.
Well, what if Fingers here were able to steal it
and replace it with this phony replica?
Oh I get it. It's brilliant, when do we start?
-Today. -Now.
Oh! I can't wait!
[narrator] Later, at the Pizza Cats' pizza parlor...
I'm home! Anybody here?
Sound the alarm! We've got trouble in River City,
Emergency! Emergency! Call 911!
Danger, O Robinson, danger!
The animator sure had a field day with that.
What's it all about, Francine?
It's those no-good Ninja Crowes,
they've gone wild in the streets.
Guido and Polly are out making deliveries,
I can't get a hold of them. So it's up to you, Speedy,
this is one emergency you're gonna have to handle
-by yourself. -[laughs]
No problem! Who needs those guys?
-[Francine] Lunchtime, folks! -[Speedy] Yahoo!
[Francine on loudspeaker] Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys.
Pardon our dust and excuse our noise.
I know this comes a little early in the show,
but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
So cover your ears and give us some room.
I've nothing more to say, except...
Ka-boom!
[laser gun fires]
[ping] [theme song playing]
look up in the sky, Mom. There goes that dumb cook again!
Well I think you mean dumb clock, son,
and I agree, it's the dumbest clock I've ever seen.
-I don't quite follow you, Mom. -Oh look, it never changes.
It always says two.
Yeah that's one dumb clock, alright.
[narrator] Meanwhile across town,
Bad Bird and his no good Ninja Crowes
had completely stopped traffic with an impromptu rock concert.
[hip hop music playing]
♪ Now little to the right ♪
♪ Hip hop dancing through the night ♪
[laughing]
This will be the biggest craze since the funky chicken!
Bigger than the lambada even!
[Roadrunner] Meep-meep!
Meep-meep!
[all screaming]
[loud thud]
Hey, Roadrunner, you're in the wrong cartoon!
[Speedy] When I get through with you, BB,
you'll think you're in the wrong cartoon too!
Yikes! [screaming] [crash]
I thought cats always landed on their feet.
Oh wait, I get it, you're doing an impression of an ostrich!
[Speedy] Just a second, B-rate, would ya?
[narrator] But before he can free himself,
that pesky packet-picking robot, Fingers,
performs the old switcheroo. [grunts]
I love the taste of asphalt in the morning!
[narrator] With that stirring battle cry,
the ferocious feline prepares to leap into action,
totally unaware that his magical Ginzu sword,
with the patented smooth action sheath,
has been replaced with a lovely to look at,
but utterly useless forgery.
Looks like it's party time! [screams]
[anticlimactic music]
what's going on? The guy's still standing.
[laughs] Pathetic.
You'll have to do a lot better than that.
Just wait, Featherhead!
It's party time! Yeow! [explosion]
[screams]
It's party time! Ya!
[explosion] [exhales sharply]
[Bad Bird] The party's over, pussy Willow.
Guess that magic steak knife of yours blew a fuse.
You'd better hope it's still under warranty.
Boys, put him out of his misery!
[all screaming]
I hope you're enjoying this.
[laughs] We're having a great time!
In fact, we're getting a kick out of it!
We hate your looks, we hate your style,
we hate your friends, that's true,
but sweetie pie we can't deny
we get a kick out of you!
[all laugh] [screams]
[one of the Crowes] Wow, nice hang time, chief!
[screams] Cup away! Wee!
[narrator] And so, Speedy found himself at the mercy
of the feathered fiends,
till at last they tired of their game
and someone had the decency to let the cat out of the bag.
My aching sacroiliac!
Look, a poor stray kitty. Maybe we should take him home.
The last stray kitty you brought home,
was Slimer from the Ghostbusters.
Remember what he did to the carpet?
Time for commercial!
[Bad Bird] Shut up, it is not. Here's the sword, Boss.
We're ready for the next step.
I wanna find out what makes it so special, then duplicate it.
[Jerry] Yes, Cheese. [Big Cheese laughs]
Once I know the sword's secret,
I can mass produce it by the thousands.
I'll give them to my Ninja Crowes,
and the rest I'll sell as souvenirs.
I'll be cleaning up!
And I don't mean sweeping the floors and making the beds.
[laughs]
[narrator] Meanwhile, our heroes have given
the phony Ginzu sword to Guru Lu for analysis.
After hours of careful study,
the wise old scientist at last gives his opinion.
Well, I think this sword's a phony.
We got that much from the narrator.
But who was it that switched this sword for the real one?
Can't you remember anything, Speedy?
Hmm. Wait, I've got it!
-Got what? -A clue?
No, a headache.
[both] Argh!
Ha! What an amusing joke, "I've got a headache."
You really kill me, you crazy cat.
Sometimes I kill myself.
Well why don't you two tell us
when you've finished killing each other,
so we can bury you and get on with the show?
-Huh? -Okay, let's get serious here
for a minute. Somebody's stolen the magical Ginzu sword
and it seems clear there's only one guy
in Little Tokyo could'a done it.
Well that's right, the same rotten rat-faced rodent
who tries to make trouble for us every single episode.
Let's see. Rotten rat-faced rodent.
Do I know anyone like that?
I think they mean The Big Cheese.
Now it's just a matter of finding out where he took it.
Wow, the Ginzu sword has its own transmitter.
We can track its position
with this little homing device here.
It's not quite due north of us,
and it's not quite due east.
It's somewhere in between.
Correct me if I'm mistaken,
but don't they normally call that northeast?
Something like that. I'm sure Speedy can find it.
Um, north is there and east is... [screams]
Northeast of us, that'd put it in the rock 'n roll district.
Right. They've got it somewhere deep underground
in the very bowels of--
Hey, watch your language, egghead!
There's enough profanity on television as it is.
[Jerry] Here it is.
The prototype is ready for testing.
It looks like the real Ginzu.
And it's cheap too!
We'll get some washed up actor to advertise on late night TV,
we'll flood the market, the world will be ours!
[Bad Bird laughs]
[narrator] Outside the city,
at the official bad guys' testing range
for death rays, doomsday devices
and other evil weapons of destruction,
[Jerry]Alright, Bad Bird, show us what it can do.
[screaming]
[laser beaming] [explosion]
[scoffs] This knock-off works even better than the original.
[all cheer]
[Jerry] Nice shooting, BB, well done!
Oh, lovely, lovely!
[Bad Bird] Gentlemen,
this is a very proud and humbling moment for me.
I cannot find the words
to express the depths of my feelings.
[laughing hysterically]
[narrator] Your bad, Bad Bird.
Fingers the sneak-thief has other ideas.
You see, he's so good at his job,
he doesn't know when to stop.
Aren't I a stinker! [laughs]
[narrator] Meanwhile, our heroes have sunk to new depths,
using the drilling talents of their bow meows,
but to tunnel deep under the earth.
Holy Harriet Tubman! We're an underground sensation!
I dig this drill bit!
Well it certainly is one way to get to the bottom of things!
Are we near some kinda sewer pipe,
or is it these puns that stink so bad?
-[Will] We're here! -Oh!
Behold the long lost tomb of King Bumble the Great.
[Polly] What? Who?
[Will] Just kidding.
You found it. Nice digging.
Well, hey, what'd you think? I was gonna give you the shaft?
Guido's right, too many bad puns in this episode.
Well, the sword's over that way.
Vamanos, socatos!
This way, to the left.
To the left.
[Polly] Oh I think I saw this in a Marx Brothers movie.
To the left!
Hey guys, where ya been?
[Guido] Why do I have this surreal sense of déjà vu?
[narrator] Kids, now you can get the home version
of this incredibly pointless game.
Watch Speedy go round in a circle.
Call before midnight tonight and we'll pay you
to take it off our hands.
Yep, this looks like the way in, alright.
Good sense of direction, we're right back where we started!
No wonder you're always late with the pizza deliveries.
Hey, shut up! I got you here, didn't I?
And you needed the exercise.
Will, do you think you can cut through that door?
Like it was a pepperoni pizza. Just watch.
I like mine with extra crispy crust.
[Speedy] Oh, Chicago style.
[grinding]
[loud thud]
[sensor beeping]
This thing's going crazy.
It must be picking up a jazz station.
The sword must be in this safe.
[grinding]
This is kind of exciting,
now I know what a cat burglar feels like, huh?
-I can't cut through this thing. -[Speedy] You're fired.
Wait a second, let me try.
I know it seems like cheating, but...
[lock opens]
Hey, whatever works.
-What do you know! -You found the key to my heart.
You clever kitty. Have I told you how much I love you?
No you haven't, and let's keep it that way, you alley cat.
[Will] Okay, here we go.
[grunts]
[thud]
-[all gasp] Huh? -What a bunch of junk!
[alarm sounds]
[Guido] We've been caught!
[Polly] Let's find the sword. It must be in here somewhere.
-[Speedy] Right. -[narrator] While our heroes
search through the garbage,
Bad Bird and his minions rush toward the scene.
Oh this suspense is too much!
I think I'll go see what's in the fridge.
[Jerry] So they've discovered the secret storage vault.
I hope they don't scratch any of my old Lovin' Spoonful records,
I don't think I could take that. [sips]
[Speedy] Jumpin' junk piles, look at this stuff!
It figures that the Big Cheese would be a pack rat.
[gasps]
[Polly] Hey, some old Lovin' Spoonful albums!
-I found it! -Where?
Here!
[clank] [shrieks]
what's new, pussycats? Stealing private property?
That's our property!
Oh you're pretty when you're mad!
What the hey? Back off, big face, you're not my type.
Now, now, don't be rude to Fingers,
he happens to be a very close friend of mine.
What? You mean you and him--
No, no. Not like that. He's strictly an employee.
And a very talented one.
He's the fellow who stole your magical Ginzu sword.
Hand it over, bird brain.
Ha! This is a copy.
But it's just as effective as the real magic sword,
and you're all powerless against it.
Yeah, all we got is that phony dud.
If his sword is as powerful as he says, we're through.
Oh, we'll be slaughtered like rats!
What a way to go.
And to think that I never got an Emmy... or even a Golden Globe.
Hey, come on everybody, let's have a little optimism here.
Why? We're all gonna die.
[laughing]
Your friends are wise enough to realize the end is here.
[gasps]
[laughs] Sorry to disappoint you,
but I already switched 'em. I'm wearing the real sword.
The phony one's in that pile of junk on the floor.
Is it? Well, not for long.
Fingers! Hop to it! Do your thing.
[screams]
[narrator] Before the others can react,
Fingers leaps forward and switches the swords.
I'm glad we got that cleared up.
[laughs] -Now what's so darn funny?
[laughing hysterically]
I lied. I didn't have the real one, but now I do.
Your friend did one switch too many.
My sword's more than a match for yours
and it comes coupled with special effects, see?
Is that the best you can do?
Blow harder! I wanna show flea-bitten felines
that anything they can do, I can do better.
And at a fraction of the cost.
[narrator] Bad Bird grabs hold of the hilt,
little realizing that Fingers switched swords on him,
and now he's holding a dud.
At least I think that's right.
Well, there have been so many sword switches in this show
that I've kinda lost track, alright?
[screams in anticipation]
[loud thud]
Hey, what happened, what happened?
Fear not, Master.
Fingers will teach this saucy devil a lesson
he won't soon forget.
I'm mad! Not only did you tie me up in a sack and kick me around,
but you're tampering with our national economy
by manufacturing cheap and foreign imitations
of a designer product!
[narrator] Yes, there's nothing that gets Speedy's fur up
like some greedy little sly meister,
trying to mess with the free market.
So remember boys and girls, when you buy a designer item,
be it jewelry, jeans
or the official Samurai Pizza Cats lawn-mowing set,
make sure it's the real thing
and not some low grade rip-off
produced in a banana republic somewhere.
Otherwise you may find yourself on the receiving end
anger when he gives that famous rallying cry.
Looks like it's party time!
[whoops]
[screaming]
[all scream]
[narrator] And so, in a battle
whose outcome could affect world trade for generations,
the two swords are out to the test. Which would win?
The genuine article or the inexpensive foreign knock-off?
We're counting on you, Speedy.
Don't blow it. Don't let us down.
Hey.
Inevitably,
the cheap imitation begins to crumble under the strain--
Oh dear!
proving that only quality goods will stand the test of time.
Okay, you've convinced me. I'll never buy imported again.
[screams]
[all screaming]
No! Stop! My Lovin' Spoonful albums!
[screaming]
My, my, looks like we might be in for a little precipitation.
[all screaming]
-Did you lose again? -[Jerry] No, we won.
[Big Cheese] Liar.
I think you blew up really nicely that time, Boss.
[Big Cheese] Thank you. I was rather proud of it myself.
[narrator] Meanwhile, down at the vault,
our heroes begin to put the pieces
of their shattered lives back together.
Where do you think Speedy went?
He's gotta be here somewhere.
[all gasp] -Oh my gosh.
[clattering]
Come on, wake up. Wake up, Speedy.
Come on, speak to me.
I know it sounds crazy, but I'm gonna miss that crazy cat.
You don't mean... No!
No. No, Guido, it can't be. Speedy!
You don't think there's even a chance?
He's passing on.
-He's bugging out. -He's packing it in!
[narrator] The three companions stand in silence
as the truth slowly sinks in.
This is the end of Speedy.
Not so fast buddy, kay?
[screams]
That's what you get for making us think you croaked.
[grunts] At the moment I kinda wish I had croaked!
[narrator] Not long afterwards,
in a suburb on the far outskirts of Little Tokyo,
we find two familiar figures
making a pilgrimage to a very odd-looking little shrine.
[coughing]
Well, the only consolation
is that we still have one robot factory in operation.
No one knows about the secret entrance but me.
[laser beams] [ping]
That was very entertaining.
Yeah, you should charge admission.
[both scream]
Ain't much of a secret, this secret entrance of yours.
No, apparently not.
[Speedy] So, Little Tokyo is at peace once again.
Largely through my efforts, if I do say so myself.
They really ought to build a monument to me!
How very amusing, a monument to you! [laughs]
what are you laughing about?
It's a perfectly sensible idea.
Perfectly sensible. I love it! [laughs]
I'm being serious here, you bucktooth bowser!
[Guru Lu] You just slay me, Speedy, you really do!
[Speedy] I'll slay you alright!
♪ Ladies and gentlemen ♪
♪ The Samurai Pizza Cat Fan Club Oath ♪
♪ The Pizza Cats are Samurai And I'd like to note ♪
♪ Their antics take your Breath away ♪
♪ Like fur balls In your throat ♪
♪ We kittens are a special breed We never call retreat ♪
♪ Whenever Big Cheese Knocks us down ♪
♪ We land upon Our feet ♪
♪ So hail to thee, Oh Pizza Cat ♪
♪ Please ring your little bell ♪
♪ Although you may be Pen and ink ♪
♪ We know you'll fight like Pizza Cats ♪
[closing theme music]
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats ♪
♪ We hope you liked the show ♪
♪ It's the best That we could do ♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats ♪
♪ If you could do better Then we'd leave it up to you ♪
♪ Just a reminder You might like to know ♪
♪ The cats will be back For another big show ♪
♪ Hahaha, oh gosh ♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats They're fighting crime ♪
♪ Oh yes, all over town ♪
♪ Hahaha Oh yeah ♪
♪ Two, four, six, eight Why do we expectorate? ♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats Read all the credits ♪
♪ So you'll know Who did the work ♪
♪ Samurai Pizza Cats Hahaha ♪